Free My Mind

When will you wake up?

2009-08-13T22:53:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when somebody tell you something or thing that just kinda happened to appear right in front of you. At times, this kinda situation, you kinda will be taken aback by what had just happened.

Sound familiar? Let me paint a story or an analogy for you. Its like an alarm clock that rings its bell. And all of a sudden, you just woke up...dazed. You open your eyes...look around your surrounding and begin to wonder what its that all about. Oh...and you realized, it was actually a dream.

In our real life scenario, isn't it the same? Sometimes, we're so into something or somebody, we just couldn't figure out what's going on. Till something strike like the alarm that rang. The only difference is that our biology alarm clock will strike whenever or wherever it feels like. We can't preset it, totally beyond our control.

And ironically it'll just somehow rings or likes to ring when we're at the happiest moment of our life. And its like telling us that "Hey you're dreaming! Your dream is over! Wake Up!". Yes...and we reluctantly drag ourselves up, just exactly like every morning alarm that woke you up from your beautiful dream.

Our biology alarm woke us up to reality and facts...diminishing all senses of beauty, to face the ugly truth. And many a time, you just switch off that alarm and go back to sleep again. Hoping that you'll be able to continue with your dream, just like what you always do in your life. But this biology alarm going to ring again, you can't switch it off permanently like the mechanical ones. You can snooze it as much as you want or as much as you can but its gonna wake you up again...one fine day. And it might or will never gonna stop ringing. So tell me when will you wake up?

Is your heart alive or dead?

2009-06-11T21:48:00.002+08:00

Have you ever feel that you're smiling to the whole world but yet every sense in your heart is crying? Have you ever feel that nobody knows it but you...the exact feeling that's running within you? Have you ever lead your life like as if nothing is happening and the entire world thought that everything is going just fine?

Its like nothing stop for you. Neither is time nor anything else. The earth still revolve...everyone still carry on with life just like any other day. But your heart stand still at one point, time in your heart stalled. The only thing that your heart does, was kept going back again and again to those memories. And you felt that you can't breathe, and the tears of your heart runs like its never ever gonna stop. Then slowly, you felt your heart stop beating then came numbness...whereby you feel nothing anymore. Nothing bring that smile to that once cheerful heart of yours. And one fine day, your heart is pronounce permanently dead by you.

Sometimes, through all these, you wish that you do not have a heart at all. It torture every sense of your very being. Whereby you're being eaten alive slowly...bit by bit. Its like a slow painful death.

I begin to wonder, do God give us a heart to make us stronger or to make us weaker. Is your heart alive or dead?

Is it worth losing? worth treasuring or worth letting go?

2009-04-03T09:47:00.002+08:00

That's one particular day, the sense of losing crossed my mind again. Knowingly or unknowingly, we lost a lot of things or people in our life.I looked at strangers on the streets, in the train or anywhere...I can't help but wonder what/who have this people lost? I look at friends/colleagues and wonder if he/she is as happy as he/she might look...or if they're as lost? I was so into losing that I missed out the point that losing made some of us treasure someone or something even more. Or maybe wake up to reality, that something is worth letting go...or something is worth losing.

Have you ever wonder why do human beings have to come to this stage, to learn how to treasure? Only at the verge of losing, to know that things are not in place? Or when the sense of something's missing came into place? Are we so cynical that we had took everything and everyone for granted? Or simply we think that we will not lose anything or anybody in life? Or is it that we lost so much that we have become such
sad individual that we do not wanna bother at all anymore. Whoever come and goes, does not matter at all?

Do we do this intentionally or is just our nature that make us so? Why can't we treasure everything and everyone that is in our life? Why do ones have to come to this final stage when everything its almost over and beyond repair, and start trying to save what is almost broken? Don't we know? Don't we realise? Don't we ever sense that things is going wrong? And the culprit's life carry on, as if nothing happen. The affected party just buried in misery and leave in wreakage for a
long long time.

I wonder if its due to the fact that life had become so routine that we just see everything the same, not noticing the lack of something, not noticing that we're not as we first started. Or something had come into our life that had changed the relaionship. Strange thingy is that some of us do speak out that something is not heading the right way but yet some of us still deny the fact that something is going wrong till the affected party start to distance...and there's where we all panick and wonder what had happened. We forgot that the affected party had speak their mind. Telling you exactly what is wrong. Why do we have to wait till then and realise that we had taken everything for granted? Why can't we treasure and appreciate that affected party in the same way when we first know that person. Or why can't we make sure that we periodically check ourselves and make sure that we let the person know that he/she still matter to us? Many of us don't, we just assume that the sun will always shines, the sky will always be blue. We forgot there's night fall and there might be thunderstorm coming one's way. We absolutely forgot about that things will change, people changes, feeling changes over time.

Sometimes, I thought of words that human beings had ever said. The "You mean a lot to me", the "till death do us part", the "I treat you the same as the other close friends", the "I never forget you", the "I always miss you, no matter where I go"...But is it so? Do you mean what you say? If you mean what you had said...then why do the other party still doubt the sincerity of it? Is it because somewhere down the road of life, the other party do not feel so anymore? If there's really till death do us part, then why is there divorce? If you always miss me? Then why don't we feel so? If you treat us the same as others, why we don't feel that way?

I come to the point that even if we let that someone goes, that someone's life will still carry on. Maybe that someone will wonder what had happened but all these will passed, and new people will enter this person's life, and we will be history...a memory, a past...

So for you, is it worth losing? worth treasuring or worth letting go?

Are you in the dream world or the real world?

2009-03-13T18:17:00.002+08:00

Sometimes life is funny, mysterious and filled with surprises. There's moment that you thought the entire sky gonna collapse on you and there's times when you're like as if on cloud nine. How strange life could be. But I guess the worst is, to be stuck in between...the uncertainty of whether you're actually happy or sad. Its like an emotions fluctuation, one moment you can laugh as if its your last breathe and enjoy as if its your last few hours on earth. And another moment, you wish that you could breathe no more, cry no more, live no more...so that all the pain that you felt at that moment can just ease to last.

I sat here, looking at the passerby, wondering at which stage of emotions are they in. Today is Friday 13, many believe that is an evil day. So does it mean that these people whom I am looking at right now. If they looks happy means that they're the devil in disgust? My apologizes, just some dry humour in between a serious topic :-P

Alrighty back to where I stopped. If life could be smooth sailing all the time. Wouldn't it be nice? No tears, no pain, no confusion, no contradiction, nothing is uncertain, nothing to cause that pumping headache, no breathlessness, everything is peaceful and clear, everything is precise, no doubts, no expectations, no reason to apologize. Geez...sound like my own imaginary perfect world. If the world gonna be like that, would we all be like robots...emotionless? I am not sure. But my imaginary world seems painless and filled with joy and happiness. But this is never gonna be so. Reality is always reality, fact is always gonna be facts. No matter how I do not like the current situation...time will never stop for me. The heartache will not gonna ease. The uncertainties and doubts will not gonna bring less questions.

How does ones live life without much heartache? How does one's erase the memories and move on happily in life? How to know if the heartache is cause by ourselves? Sometimes, especially recently, I begin to wonder if the heartache is due to our own expectation that its not being meet or our own dream being diminish. And one fine day...suddenly, we woke up from our dream and realize how foolish we were to be stuck in dreamland without realizing it. And finally, we realized that we need to really erase this dreamland fantasy and this is where all the pain come from. The feeling of whether its right or wrong start to engulf us. What if we make the wrong assumption?

I just wonder what make us suddenly rose like snow white being kissed by the handsome prince. The only difference is that snow white woke up to a happily ever after but we woke up to reality that hurts.

This world is beautiful but how could things be so beautiful become so ugly the next moment? Or is it that the world or reality is too ugly that we've to dream to live through each day? Therefore, are you in the dream world or the real world?

A need to say or a want to say?

2009-01-12T21:16:00.004+08:00

Do you wonder sometimes the "what if", "only if" or the "could it be"? Many of us, have so much to say about certain things or to certain people but yet there's the only thing that we never really say it out loud. What stop us from saying that very one thing that is on our mind? Is it the "what if I speak out, what is the consequences?", "only if you say it first" or the "could it be what I am wanting, is what you're thinking"?

We're so afraid of the outcome of our speech that we ponder for so long before we really act on it. When we finally speak out, sometimes...it turn out to be a good outcome but at times...its turn out the opposite way. And at that moment, we just wish that we had never know the truth. Or we should had keep our big mouth shut. People always say, truth can be painful. But I say, the truth can fruitful because knowing truth will allow one's to know what to do, where to go from here. Its always better to face the truth, reality, know the fact, and know where you are heading. Its better than walking in a maze or in the dark, not knowing if you will able to get out of the complicated maze or see the light at all.

And at times, we wonder if there's really a need to say it or we simply just want you to say it. A bit confusing? I can't say it isn't. Cos we, human are so afraid to lose, so afraid to hurt ourselves, in fact...so afraid to embarrass ourselves. So we all just play the "waiting" game and let time tells, who has the higher tolerance. So we wait...and wait...and we wait, the next spring comes...and yet we'll continue to wait. Till that particular person who you want to say something to, comes and go in your life...but then again, you still wait! Waiting for that moment that you might have the chance or feel the need to speak out. Or simply waiting for that particular someone to say it out loud that very one thing that you do not dare to say.

And at times, we simply say the things that we don't mean to say. Usually it only happen when we're provoked, we just blabber out of anger...only to regret it later on. But at times, its our anger that make us speak the truth, to realize the fact and feel that there's a need or want to speak out.

There's so many factors or reasons that will cause us, to speak out our mind. Therefore, for you...is it a need to say or a want to say?

Depth of an attachment equals to the depth of gaining or losing?

2008-12-01T23:58:00.004+08:00

I guess my articles had always start with the statement "Have you ever...", its kinda when ones says "once upon a time". I tried to write in a different way but then I guess it might not make any sense. I would say maybe this is my "trademark". Alrighty...here it goes:

Attachment, the feeling of affection for a person. Its not necessary for the other half of yours, I mean your spouse or partner. It could be mildly friends, colleagues etc etc.Why do we feel attached to someone? Is it due to the fact that we spent almost half of our daily life or most of our time,we spent with these people? Or is due to the fact that we grew up with this people? Or is it due to the fact that there's something "attractive" about the other parties? Or is it that time determine the rate of fondness you have for a person? At times, it seems that this kinda "attachment" emerge out of nowhere. And one fine day you realize that something is missing when that particular someone is not around.Everyone of us drift in and out of one another's life. Some of us just leave without saying a word. Some of us leave due to disagreement. Regardless of whatever the reason is, we leave an invisible imprint in that person's life forever.

Do you think or feel that its difficult to prevent yourself from being too attached to someone?If that particular person leave our life, how do we erase that imprint of his/hers? Or maybe we will not be able to erase it at all and time is like dust that cover the imprint? And one fine day when a strong wind came by and swept away the dust, that particular imprint emerge itself and"appear" right in front of us...and when we looked at it...how will we feel? Maybe happy cos those were the memories that you and that person holds. Maybe sad if the person who leave the imprint is no longer in your life...and maybe you will start to wonder and ponder what had happened.

Life is funny at times, we're afraid to give too much of ourselves and yet we give ourselves unknowingly. We tried not to be too attach to anyone but yet we're attached to certain people after some time. Ain't we contradicting? I guess matter of the heart is something that all of us have no control of.

The beauty of every friendship is the attachment that we shared with one another, giving ourselves without asking anything for return...But the sadness of every friendship is also when you realise that you're so attached that you felt lost when you lose it. Therefore, does depth of an attachment equals to the depth of gaining or losing?

Are you moving on or had you already moved on

2008-06-11T23:30:00.000+08:00

Its been quite sometime now that I had not written any stuff. Maybe I am just too afraid to even try, knowing that I might only produce non-sensical than quality article. So guess I am just waiting for that "Free My Mind" mood to drop by for a visit.

There were many topics on my mind lately but none was pen down at all. Yesterday night while watching Sex and The City, and after listening to Hurricane. The same topic that I had written months back and pulled down, came across my mind again.

To some of us, life is like a roll coaster ride. There's always ups and downs, excitments and disappointments etc etc. And to some of us, life is like a calm voyage...not much of happenings. So are you in a roll coaster or on a voyage?

Regardless..Let's say that if you're in a roll coaster when the "ups" get too "ups", would you want it to get a little "down" or vice versa? And let's say if the voyage get too calm, would you prefer to have a little storm passing by?

All of us went through different stage of life. There's many ups and downs in life. Sometimes the sky can be sunny at this moment and , its all stormy the next. Each day, as you open your eyes to the day...not knowing what is awaitng for you or what you are expecting out of the day. Whether it will be a cool weather or will it be raining cats and dogs. Not knowing if it gonna be a smooth ride to your destination or will it be another bumpy one. If we happen to be caught in the rain, we can either use an umbrella or maybe find a shelter and wait till the rain stops. If we hop into a cab and it get too bumpy, we can hop out of it and hail another cab or simply endure the ride till we reach our destination.

But in our life story, when we really hit into some issue. Can we do so? Can we just used an umbrella or just hail another cab? Can life be so easy? When we hit into some issue at work, can we find a shelter or some covers and wait till the calm weather comes back again? If we hit into some issue with our relationship, can we run away from it...and hop out of it, like we hop out of the cab? Realistically, we can't do so. I guess maybe some of us will or can do so, maybe due to the fact that some do not bother about the consequnce. But we, human...had somehow been "train" subconsciously, to consider all consequences before making a decision. As we grow older, we consider more than we used to.

When we come face to face with a hurricane at work, some of us will stay put and guard the fortress, some of us...run for the nearest possible shelter within reach. Some of us, just drop everything and run for our dear life! Actually, I guess depend how many time the hurricane decide to hit close to home. Everyone of us had a limit. I guess to protect oneself, most of us will just chose to move on from the current place. Or maybe consider the "moving on" attempt. But sometimes, some of us take too long and get stuck in the "moving on" stage. Why do some of us never really get to the "moved on" stage? Is it because we don't just quit at the first hit? We want to stay put and deal with the issue or trouble at hand. But if the same problem and issue, just kept surfacing again and again. When its getting too tough to make it through everyday. Then why have you not move on?

When we come face to face with a hurricane with our relationship. We all tried to sort it out but somehow maybe it just don't work out, and we are leave devastated after the storm. The relationship ended, one might moved on, the other might just get stuck in the wreckage for a long long time. How long it will take ones to move on? I had spoken to many, most...in fact all had said that till they found someone else. Its like waiting by the roadside for the next available cab to come by. Is it true that to forget our ended relationship, we have to find another substitute...in order to move on with our life?

So in your life now, are you moving on or had you already moved on?

Are You Listening?

2008-04-18T23:24:00.001+08:00

Wanted to pen about this movie, the wedding...the other day but was so much into David D'Or's music that I had put this aside. My buddy and me went to catch this movie on one of our hectic days whereby we kinda need a good laugh to call it "a day". This movie turned out not to be what we expected it to be. Do not get me wrong, its a good show. Definitely, worth watching. There's still some laughable scenes but if you looking forward to a movie that makes you "laugh till you drop" then it will not meet your expectation.

You must be wondering so why do I insist that it's still a good movie. Cos there're a whole loads of meanings behind this movie. Its not a movie just featuring about marriage, I mean of course from my perspective, it featured more than what the title said.

I recalled that's this scene whereby the lead actor (John Krasinski featured as Ben Murphy) who had just messed up his "going-to-be" wedding day with his fiancee (Mandy Moore featured as Sadie Jones) and was sitting at the pub with his so-called best friend (Deray Davis featured as Joel). Ben was pouring out his broken heart to Joel, trying to explain to Joel that how great a wife that Sadie gonna be. But Joel was trying to put words in a way, so that Ben will forget about the whole thing and move on with life cos the wedding its not gonna occur after all. Despite what Joel stated, Ben continued to sing praises about Sadie. And at that moment, something just strikes him..."Why didn’t I listen to myself?"

The above scene inspired me, to write about this topic. And I guess this gonna be a real confusing topic, so I will try my best to be more precise as I write on.

Many a time when you hit a hindrance barrier in life, what will you do? Hindrance barrier can varies, regardless of its size or amplitude. Do you sit at a corner and ponder about it, trying to sort it all up? Or do you go, in search for friends to confide in? Or you simply try to "run away" from the entire reality altogether? Or when you have an argument with a friend, family members or your partner, do you really hear or know what they’re trying to put across?

Alright…maybe I should give another scenario, not just hindrance barrier. Let’s said that a friend or someone who just came up to you...and seek your advise, or maybe just to discuss certain things, do you really hear or know what that person is trying to tell you? Do you really "feel" that person? Do you really put yourself in the person's shoe before you put across the words that you intend to put through?

Wonder why do I ask you these? My upcoming intention or questions is very simple. But warning first…this is where what I write gonna sound really confusing, read on and close your eyes and listen to that tiny little voice in you. And here it goes:Have you ever or do you ever want to, just push away everything and for once...listen to yourself? Listening to your own "desires", your own "wants" and your own "needs". I guess most of us don’t, maybe due to the fact whereby we do not want to admit to our own "voice". And some of us do, and this cause us to be so self-centred that we simply block all the other voices coming from our friends, family or partner. Have you ever or do you ever really listen to what others say? Do you really listen to the one thing that they try to put through or do you really “feel” the one simple thing that they try to make you understand?

Getting confuse?
Alright, I try to make it much simpler:

Do you listen to yourself when you should?
Do you listen to others when you should?

"Listening" is important in life, it lets you understand yourself better, know what you really wants and also understand others. Therefore, are you listening?

Life equal to A body with its soul?

2008-04-17T23:23:00.000+08:00

No crowd, no noise…just me sitting at my balcony with clear sky, the calm feeling, and music playing at the background. And I spotted another phenomenon that I have never notice till now. Have you ever seen stars in the sea? Not starfish. While the ship move on, I looked at the water, and saw all these glittering lights in the water, the combination of the sun light reflecting on the sea water, amazing sight. They are just like stars…

This week I had 4 encounters or should I say conversations with 4 friends of mine, on different occasion. Indirectly, it made my mind wonder again…about human beings. What really matter most to this group of creature on earth? It’s well-known that we're social creatures. We can never really be alone. I mean there bound to be human who can be alone all their life, for some reason…I do not know.

Humans, we need somebody to be there but it's not just anybody. All of us might have lotsa friends but somehow deep within us, we might still feel somehow alone…empty. Or the feeling of something is missing but yet we can't really tell what is missing. It's like a body without its soul. There's always that particular one person, you seek to be with. I think we call this particular person, soul mate. Some of us are always in denial of this fact. Denying the fact and reality that we just need that one particular soul in our life, to fill our life with joy. To have that particular person sharing all our precious moments. Or maybe I should say that is not denial, it's just that we can’t seem to find the right person to be the soul of our life. Or that person does not wish to be our soul. Or maybe we thought that a particular person whom we meet, seems to be the soul that our empty shell is seeking but as days goes by, that vision seems to dim and eventually that particular person isn't the right soul anymore. And our body decides to leave that soul, in search for another soul.

Who will be the right soul for you? Who will be, willing to be your soul? Everyone of us, fall in and out of this soul game. Some of us, never really dare to be in the game at all. Some of us do not wanna possess a soul till we are sure that it's the right one that fits our empty shell. As we grow older…we wonder a lot, even a simple thing that we might have done in our younger days, seems to be a difficult task now. The core of the body which is the heart becomes weaker as we grow older. The heart seeks for the soul in the mist of the crowd…not knowing which soul will make it stronger again. Not knowing which soul will break it again. Not knowing which soul have the key to its door.

This entire soul seeking game is a matter of chance and choice. In our life, we have many chances to meet a soul but it’s also our choice to fuse with the soul. So do you think that "Life" equal to "A body with its soul"?

Loneliness equals to “you think that you’re alone”?

2008-04-15T23:22:00.000+08:00

This is inspired by a few friends of mine. Not that I am saying that you are all lonely soul…so don’t get piss off. Its just some inspiration that I got from conversation that I might had with any of you. So relax alright.

What is loneliness? Everyone of us feel lonely at certain point of life. Or in fact, many points in time. How this feeling come about? Where does it emerge? When will it exist? I can’t tell. It just simply a feeling that ones felt that they’re all alone in this world. And at that moment, I guess the only person who really understand the source of it, is only yourself.

I had ever went through this stage of “why am I all alone?” but am I really alone? Have you ever ask yourself this question? I guess everyone does, especially when you’re going through the most hectic/drastic point of life. Maybe I should say, some people does, cos not everyone had actually really go through that down point in life. Why do we think “we’re all alone”? Is this really true? Most of us have friends, someone to turn to when things goes wrong. But is it our friends that we’re seeking for comfort from? Or is it that a particular person that you’re looking for…to confide in? Or is it that those friends who you hope that will be there…is never really there? So what is it? What or who you are really looking for when you reach that breaking point? Is it that our circle of friends are getting so small as we grew that we do not know who to confide in? Is it that there’s noone that you can trust to tell the truth? Or comfortable with…to confide in the depth of heart matters?

Some point in my life, I realise that not everyone will be there for you…ya most of the time, we’re kinda “alone”. Everyone have their own life to lead, and some of us…just trying hard not to be jerked at the end of the day. But have you thought of, the only person who can really lift you up at the end of the day…actually is YOU! The only person who can convince you to move on with life…be a happy chap in life…is still nobody other than YOU! Maybe you might think that I am blabbering crap. But let me ask you. Let’s say you found someone to confide your trouble mind….after talking your heart out, whether to move on with life or to cocoon yourself in the mess, is still up to you, isn’t it? You are the one who gonna make the final decision isn’t it? Or maybe, you can’t find anyone to talk to…you still somehow deal with the situation on your own. right? Therefore, don’t you think that the only person who can really bring you out of something, is actually YOU?

I guess most of us think that we’re somehow alone due to the fact that we just wanna “somebody” to be there especially when we’re down, or just simply we do not wanna be alone at all…we just want whoever regardless friends, strangers, colleagues or who-so-ever to be in our “radar range”.

This really make me wonder, can we ever be alone forever…just be on our own…without friends, without anybody else? Does loneliness mean the emptiness of our mind? Or does loneliness equals to “you think that you’re alone”?

Temptation equals to When you're not on guard?

2008-04-14T23:18:00.000+08:00

Temptation, a word with very precise meaning but yet a word with diverse captivation. There's loads of temptation in this whole wide world, ranging from things as simple as food to the most extreme. Is this word, foreign to you?

Alright. Close your eyes...relax, and go through the number of occasions that you had experienced today or maybe in your life to-date. Go through the times whereby there's an urge to do something that doesn't seem to be you or simply the times whereby there's an echo that play like a chant in your mind. Whereby you struggle to get rid of that thought, battling with your inner soul. Does this sound familiar?

Yes. This is what we called Temptation. This insignificant "creature" had somehow crawl...its way into our life. And helplessly,we just fall as preys to this insignificant "predator". You do not know when it will attack, clueless of its existence until it pounce on you and you try to fight back...at times, you manage to break free from the "creature's" grip. But not all the time, you'll be that lucky.

Does temptation indicate that we are weak...defenseless at times? Or does it means "Temptation" equals to "When you're not on guard"?